I've not been feeling creative at all lately, and I'm trying to figure out what's going on with that. Problem is, it feels like the more I try to diagnose the problem, the harder it becomes to overcome it. I don't want to come out and say I'm depressed and that that's what the problem is, but I kinda think that might be it. When I don't feel like I have anything to say, I hate it that I don't have anything to say. Am I not supposed to have words? I mean, that's what I do now is write, right? So where has the writing gone off to?
When I try to think of where I want one of my stories to go next, I'm not even hearing crickets lately. It's just the deafening sound of mental silence. No ideas, no words, no new plot ideas, no new character voices, no dialogue, just...nothing. I don't think it's writer's block, because I don't even believe such a thing exists, so how could I possibly have it?! Right?
So, instead of just sitting in front of a blank screen that continues to be blank, I've been reading, doing crossword puzzles, watching documentaries, this, that, and the other, like it'll just come back to me at some point. Kinda like when you can't think of something, and then later in the day or the next day, when you're not even thinking about that particular subject, and what you were trying to think of just hits you out of the blue. It hasn't worked thus far, but who knows... And I'm trying not to worry about it, because I'm pretty sure that's not going to open the floodgates, but the longer I go without writing something creative, the more uncomfortable I've become about it. Maybe I'm supposed to be uncomfortable for a bit before the floodwaters start to rush down again. I don't really know.
I do know that for the past several days, it seems like I'm hearing over and over, "Live for today and in today, without worrying about what tomorrow will bring, because if you don't live this way, you'll miss out on all the glory that's happening right in front of you and all around you at this very moment." Or, at least something to that effect. So, in an effort to follow this, I'm living moment by moment. Maybe that's the whole point. That I don't have to fill every moment with some cognitive process. Am I being taught to slow down and enjoy what I have? I think that's exactly it. Figuring that out hasn't made it any easier in the process, though. Sometimes habits really stink, because they just keep coming back up without us even realizing it.
I guess sometimes doing what we're supposed to be doing doesn't feel anything like what we think we're supposed to be doing. I think there's a kind of beauty in that, as well. A reminder that we don't actually have it all figured out. And that we're not supposed to. Maybe that discomfort is a kind of reminder to follow instead of trying to steer all the time. A gentle reminder that all of us have a little bit of control freak living inside of us. If we're not careful, we'll let that part of us be what drives us, allowing the illusion of control to lure us away from what we were originally designed to be. Creations made to follow and commune with our Creator. Just a thought.
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