The Search For Understanding

Ok, I'll admit it. I have a desire to be understood. I think we all do, right? But what does being understood really mean? Is it a desire for people to hear us? To actually listen to us and agree with what we think? Why is THAT so important to us, and should it be?

Thanksgiving is this week, and I'll be seeing extended family that I haven't seen in years. I know I've changed a ton in those years, and I'm sure some of them have, as well. My wife and I live in such a way that most people would probably call it unconventional. We live in an RV and we move as often as we can afford to. Sometimes to beautiful places we've never been before, and sometimes to places where we won't freeze over the winter, and honestly, aren't that beautiful. Right now, we're in Wichita, Kansas, which is definitely more toward the second end of the spectrum I loosely laid out above.

If you're reading this, you probably already know that I'm a writer. Some would argue that I'm not a professional yet, because I haven't exactly received a paycheck, but this is what I do. I haven't shown up to a regular job for about seven months now, because I've been writing. Not always at the pace I'd like to, but I think that kind of comes with the territory. I'm learning how this works, and I'm learning how to think differently about how I'm living this life that is mine. I just turned 42 years old, and I've had a job just about uninterruptedly since I was 16. By "job", I mean that I went somewhere besides home, punched a clock, did stuff, and got paid for the time I was there at an agreed upon rate per hour. I don't do that anymore now, and I've had people actually ask me, "Where have you been looking?", meaning, basically, "Why haven't you found a place to clock in and out at yet?"

I understand why they ask me that, because basically, that's the normal thing to do that EVERYONE who is responsible does, right? Well, maybe not. Most people don't understand others who see things differently from how they do, or people who do things differently than how they would do them. Which is fine, until someone in the conversations says, either outright, or covertly, that it's not. Here's the thing: I don't need you to understand what I'm doing in order for it to be the right thing for me to do. I would like to have everyone's support and understanding while I'm doing this, but if I don't have it, I'm fine with that, too. Because this is what I'm doing. Because THIS is what I've been called to do. I know, without doubt, who made me. He made me the way I am on purpose, and for a purpose, and He did that unapologetically. I think that means that, more than likely, He intended me to live the way he made me to be on purpose, and for a purpose, and that I'm to do so unapologetically. Anything less would be ungrateful.

I'm thankful for this unusual life I've been given. I'm thankful for the amazing wife I've been given. I'm thankful for the calling I've been given, even though, at times it scares the crap out of me, because I have absolutely no idea where it's gonna take me. I have no idea what's gonna happen when I'm finished writing my first book, other than the fact that I'm going to write another one. I've already got ideas for the next two, which blows my mind, because I haven't figured out the end of the first one yet. It's weird.

I don't need anyone to understand why I do what I do. It would be nice, but I'm not going to apologize if you don't. I think if I did, it would be ungrateful to the one who made me, and I refuse to do that. If you're reading this, I love you, and I thank you for taking the time to do so. Hopefully, you'll take the time to read my books when I've finished them, as well, and hopefully, you'll enjoy them, and they'll mean as much to you as they do to me. But, please, don't feel sorry for me because I don't live life the same as you. It's not the way I was built, and I'm okay with that, because it was done on purpose.

Oh, and by the way, I can't wait to see everyone and hear how, hopefully, their lives have changed and are completely different from how they were the last time we were face to face.

Looking at the Moon

I feel more at peace today than I have in quite some time. It's hard to say if this is due to a full night's sleep, not feeling the imminent demise of Deborah's employment any longer, or because I'm finally embracing my position during this time of my life.

Does it really matter why I feel at peace? I have to answer this question with a hearty "not really". I don't feel even the slightest worry. Not for the future. Not for my finances. Not for whether or not my book is going to sell when I finally get it finished at some point in the (I hope) not too distant future. No, I didn't have some grand revelation from scripture this morning that changed my perspective on life. I read Philippians, which is one of Paul's great letters, but nothing really jumped out at me. Then I read Psalm 80 and the accompanying passage out of Treasury of David, and nothing in particular came out and glowed off the page.

But I don't really need these kinds of things on a daily basis. I just feel more grounded than I have in a while. I'm in Kansas, not in the mountains right next to a river like I was for the past four months. It's like I'm beginning to learn, and I mean really LEARN that my surroundings don't matter. I remember one night when I was leaving work in Fort Mill, South Carolina. I looked up at the moon, which was full that night. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular about the moon, the night sky, or anything like that. I just glanced up at the moon while I was walking across the parking lot toward my truck. And I heard God say, clear as day, "That's the same moon you've looked at for your whole life. It doesn't matter where you are, Aaron, I'm always right there with you." That simple statement really blew me away. In those two short sentences, God affirmed His calling, purpose, and protection and love over my life. What's really cool about that is that the moon I've looked at my whole life is the exact same moon that Abraham looked up at, possibly as he travelled from Ur. And as permanent as that may seem to us, God was around before any of it was spoken into existence, and He was thinking about me and what I'd be thinking and doing at this very moment as I'm writing this before He spoke a word of creation. He was thinking about you, too. And He knew then what you'd be thinking when you read this.

No matter where we are or what we're doing, no matter where our lives take us, God is always right there, and He always knows exactly what we're thinking about, struggling with, worrying about, and hoping for. He's known all of that since before He spoke light into existence. He gave us light to see by before there was even anything physical to see. If He planned that little detail out so well, why would we ever think He'd just leave us to wander around in the darkness by ourselves? Just a random musing this morning in windy Wichita, Kansas.

Until next time, stay safe, and above all, be true to yourself.

That Aaron Guy